Families choose adoption for variety of reasons

For some people the traditional method of building a family doesn't work. There are many reasons one may choose adoption as the means to build a family. Perhaps family history, genetics or even timing stand in the way to natural childbirth but there are thousands of children every day who are ready to go home.

With many more high-profile adoption cases in the spotlight than ever before, much of the stigma surrounding it has faded away. Gone are the days when families swore to secret pacts of silence to prevent anyone from learning of the adoption in their lives.

The options open to couples who choose to adopt are more varied and flexible than years past as well. People can opt to keep their adoption proceedings completely closed, where none of the parties involved will ever be in contact after the fact, or open where families trade photographs or even go on trips together. In between a closed or open adoption are many flexible forms of semi-open proceedings where birth families and receiving families decide on an agreement together to match their needs.

"We found what was really important to us was to have a family," said Benita Ralston, a Henderson resident since 1988. She and her husband Phil Ralston chose to keep their process semi-open when they brought 5-day old Erin home 28 months ago.

The Ralstons went through their proceedings with New Hope Child and Family Agency, 1515 E. Tropicana Blvd. Their situation proved rather unusual in the adoption world. After a nine-month process of filing paperwork and fulfilling required meetings, they received Erin in only a matter of days.

They got a call on a Thursday in March that a baby was available in Reno. By that Saturday they were on a plane and the Ralstons had Erin in their hotel that night ready to take home.

"Our situation was odd. We didn't have time to prepare," the baby's adoptive father said.

Erin's adoptive mother said, "I was set to have a child but I was also overwhelmed. There was a lot of laughter and there were tears. There was an immediate connection to Erin even though we had never met her."

Mardianne and Randy Howell, 10-year Henderson residents, also chose adoption as a way to build their family. They received Mackinzie when she was 72 hours old. When they received notification a baby was available, the social worker assigned to their case told them they had roughly a two-week wait. It turned out to be only a five-day wait.

"We had been through a long process of wanting a baby -- it was the realization that it was finally here," said Randy of the moment he saw his new daughter for the first time. "We think of Mackinzie -- she's very special to us because of the road we took to get her -- I would imagine most parents feel the same."

The Howells were tentative at first with Mackinzie after having a birth mother change her mind in a previous adoption attempt. Two months earlier they had flown to Reno to pick up a baby. They already had the baby when the birth mother changed her mind. Because it was within the 48-hour time period in which birth mothers in Nevada can change their mind, the Howells had no choice but to give the baby back.

Currently the Howells have been waiting approximately a year for a second child to adopt. Mardianne said she is hopeful they will have a baby by December.

Families who adopt wait varying amounts of time to receive their new child. Depending on the agency used, traits desired in a child and the family's qualifications it can take anywhere from days to years.

Stephanie Hoffman and her husband began the process to adopt in October 1999 after trying to conceive a baby for seven years. They joined a support group and attended an adoption conference to learn more. Once they weighed all the options they decided to go through a private lawyer for their adoption.

"The agencies seem to have much longer waiting times, higher expenses and they didn't seem to be secure," said Hoffman of why they chose to do their process privately.

The couple has placed ads in newspapers with their attorney's phone number to call if any birth mothers are interested. "(It) sounded so commercial to me but it all depends on your heart and how you really feel about the world. I now see it as letting people know we care and we can help."

Adoption statistics are hard to collect because entities, both public and private, which handle them are not required to send information to any one national governing body. Approximately 150,000 adoptions occur in this country a year, said Deborah Gregg, the adoption director of Catholic Charities of Southern Nevada. Within that number are step-parent, foster and infant type adoptions.

One common thread many parents who adopt share is a feeling of gratitude to the birth parent(s).

"She did it for her love of Erin," said Phil Ralston.

Randy Howell said, "It's probably going to be one of the biggest sacrifices (of her life)." His wife agreed, adding, "(We feel) beyond grateful. I can't even think of a word to describe (the birth mother). We wouldn't be a family today without her."

Of course, there is another side of adoption. There are children who don't get placed into a home or are taken out of their birth parents home due to abuse or neglect. Regina Hall in Henderson is a 15-bed group home for children ages 10-18 who are in the foster care or adoption system. Most of them have behavioral problems or have special needs.

Some of these kids have been in the system a long time, said Gloria Bernal, the Henderson director for Catholic Charities of Southern Nevada. "I see foster parenting and adoption as rather similar. If you're going to commit to someone then you need to go all the way."

The rate of successful home placement for the children at Regina Hall is very low, said Bernal. However, she added, "I think it's very rare that adoptions fail."

Bernal said some of the stigma that still remains around the idea of adoption stems from the language our society uses to describe it. For instance, people still say a woman is "giving her baby up" rather than "placing a baby" in a better home. "When you place your child, you are choosing a better life for them," she said.

Mardianne Howell also acknowledged that even though things are better there are still attitudes about adoption that aren't always positive. "You still have to deal with people's fears and concerns of the unknown. (You must) inform them."