Is it merely a coincidence that barely a month after Michael Jackson left Ireland and settled in Las Vegas, University Medical Center installed a huge hyperbaric chamber?
Well, yeah, it probably is a coincidence. How could the poor saps at UMC know that just as they reached that point in the construction of the new Lions Burn Unit, Michael Flatley, the lord of the dance (tapitta tapitta tapitta wheeze wheeze wheeze) would get sick of the gloved one's entourage and they'd all end up here?
Actually, it's unclear to me how Jackson ended up in Ireland anyway. Is there a rule that celebrities have to provide shelter to other celebrities with the same first name? Did Mr. Don't Call Me Whacko Jacko hear about a castle owned by someone named Michael and just assume it was his?
Regardless, when the Lions Burn Unit opens, it will have two huge hyperbaric chambers capable of seating 15 patients between them. There are a lot of uses for hyperbaric chambers, other than increasing the life span of pop stars. They can be used as decompression chambers, which would seem a ridiculous idea in the middle of the Mojave Desert if it weren't for Lake Mead. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if some drunk on a Sea-Doo managed to get the damn thing pointed straight down and end up hitting the bottom of the lake and coming up with the bends.
Obviously, that's not why UMC installed the chambers. Oxygen at high pressure heals better than ordinary Las Vegas air at normal pressure, so hyperbaric chambers can be used to treat a number of hard-to-heal or otherwise unhealable injuries. They are used, among other things, to treat carbon monoxide poisoning, complications due to radiation and flesh-eating bacteria. That's only scratching the surface. Medicare approves of 14 uses for a hyperbaric chamber, and it can be hard to get those folks to approve of an aspirin, so we're talking some serious medical mojo here.
There are those who make other radical claims about the big, blue steel box that is the hyperbaric chamber. There is some belief that it can be used in the treatment of multiple sclerosis, cerebral palsy and Alzheimer's disease and other serious neurological conditions.
All of those applications are still in the research phase. I only bring it up to point out that hyperbaric chambers apparently are the Ronco Vegematic of medical equipment. "It treats sports injuries and anemia and makes Julienne fries in seconds!"
Presumably, the lion's share (ha!) of the UMC hyperbaric chambers' use will be devoted to the treatment of burn victims, which unfortunately aren't in short supply here. The Lions Burn Unit at UMC has been treating Southern Nevadans for nearly 40 years. Back when it opened, there were only 147 residents in Las Vegas (that number may be off; I got it from Wikipedia), so I'm assuming they mostly dealt with Rat Pack-related injuries involving flammable liquor and chain smoking. With about 2 million folks here now, it makes sense to expand and upgrade the facility. This isn't an inexpensive prospect.
The "Lions" in the title of the burn unit doesn't refer to any mutant white felines owned by local showroom performers, but rather to the Lions Club, which nationally raises funds for burn centers and related charities. It's nice to know that not all the money gathered by fraternal organizations goes to tiny cars, fezzes and world domination.
The next time you see a Lions Club fundraiser, buy a funnel cake in the name of better health.
F. Andrew Taylor is a Las Vegas freelance writer. His column appears twice monthly. Contact him at fandrewt@cox.net.
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