Someday, we will tell our grandchildren about the golden days of pre-trans fat-free America.
"Sonny," we'll say, "I remember when you could get a doughnut cooked in real lard, when you could get fried chicken that would shorten your life span at a rate of 23 minutes a bite. Why, I remember when a cannoli was more deadly than a Corleone."
The kids won't believe it, of course. They'll snicker at our tales of a country that was, by and large, obese and just one Little Debbie Zebra Cake away from a heart attack.
But we'll know. Oh yes, how we'll know.
California is one thing, but when New York is banning trans fats and Chicago is giving the idea serious consideration, we can only assume a nationwide ban is looming on the horizon. I mean, we're talking about cities where you can squeeze a coffee mug of oil out of a slice of pizza! When even people who live in cities where you need a thick layer of blubber to keep you warm through the winter realize the dangers of trans fats, it's pretty obvious the end is near. Even the fast food places, which made their fortunes on trans fats, are starting to phase them out.
Oh sure, once trans fats are banned, we no doubt will see the rise of trans fat speakeasies in the bigger cities. I'm sure nothing tastes quite as yummy as French fries surreptitiously scarfed in flagrant defiance of federal law.
They won't last long, though. A modern-day Eliot Ness will arrive and, let's face it, the people frequenting those establishments aren't going to move very fast. In no time at all, the scofflaws will all be in the hoosegow on a ration of rice cakes and water -- and maybe some Jenny Craig.
I've covered some of this ground before, but just so we're clear on the subject: trans fats are bad for you because they raise the level of LDL (low-density lipoprotein) in your body, which clogs your arteries and leads to heart attacks and strokes. They are created when vegetable oil goes through a thickening process called hydrogenation. It's usually done to improve the taste and texture of food, as well as prolong shelf life.
The shelf life of the food, that is, not of the consumer.
Fortunately, science has come to the rescue, and HDL (high-density lipoprotein) alternatives are replacing that delightfully chunky vegetable oil. Even the Girl Scouts, purveyors of fine but pricey cookies for 90 years, are cutting most of the trans fat out of their goodies. They claim they didn't dare tamper with their recipe until they were sure the taste would not be compromised.
I hate to be skeptical of cute little girls, but I tasted the first generation of fat-free cookies, back before the Girl Scouts started dabbling in them.
They were less than adequate. OK, frankly they were downright nasty, like a slightly sweetened combination of Play-Doh and Styrofoam on a circle of cardboard.
I've got a few boxes of the new Girl Scout variety on order, so I'll be sure to let you know if they've succeeded. I suspect they'll be fine, but whether they are or they aren't, I will have achieved my goal of finding a way to write cookies off on my taxes.
F. Andrew Taylor is a Las Vegas freelance writer. His column appears twice monthly. Contact him at fandrewt@cox.net.
Archived Editions| Advertising | Contact The Staff
