It's likely that, had I spent my college years in Las Vegas with its plentiful and often free booze, I wouldn't have survived them. I'm certain I would have considered it a challenge to see how many free drinks I could get by sitting at a slot machine and practicing my rudimentary miming skills, particularly since numerous studies have shown that one's ability to mime decreases 43 percent with each drink. OK, I completely made that up, but you get the point.
Drinking wreaks havoc on your motor skills, as years of public service messages have pointed out. I shouldn't need to reiterate this, but we all know how effective public service messages are. Don't drink and drive, kids, or it will make an Indian cry and then he'll cook some eggs and claim they're brains.
Plowing your car into some innocent sober person or vomiting on your significant other are only the obvious and immediate effects of over-consumption of alcohol. Long-term effects can include weight gain (there's a lot of calories in most drinks), congestive heart failure, increased risk of cancer, neurological disorders, sexual dysfunction and, of course, that old standard, liver damage.
If you're imbibing more than one or two drinks a day, you're not doing yourself any good, and even one or two a day suggests you may want to reflect a bit on your lifestyle. I've mentioned a few times that many experts feel that a daily glass of red wine is good for you.
On the other hand, a glass of schnapps, tequila or grain alcohol every day is almost certainly just asking for trouble. Not everyone can down gin like Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman. In fact, I'm not convinced even Oscar Goodman can. If his consumption of gin is even half what he claims, he's either a mutant, an alien, or simply dead and too drunk to notice.
Also, strange as this may sound, drinking impairs your judgment, not that that fact will slow most folks down. Heck, for some, that's the whole point of drinking. Frankly, I kind of liked turning into a sloppy, unattractive jackass for the night, but eventually my friends grew tired of repairing tables I had destroyed while performing a spirited rendition of "The Curly Shuffle."
This is the point in the bad sitcom during which the character announces, "I can quit any time I want." Great. Do it. Take a month off and then we'll believe you. If you can't ... well, then you've got a problem.
Fortunately, it's a problem with a well-established solution and a huge support group. Unfortunately, it's a permanent condition. You can't cure alcoholism, you can only stop drinking. The desire for a drink may fade a bit, but it will always remain. It's a tough cross to bear, but it beats the alternative.
If you're not an alcoholic and you can drink in moderation, that's certainly your decision. If you live in Las Vegas, chances are you drink more than you should, just as most Texans eat too much red meat and folks who live in Hershey, Pa., inhale more chocolate per day than the average kid eats on Halloween.
I've certainly felt better generally since I've put my heavy drinking days behind me, not that I stopped because I was concerned about long-term health problems. No, what finally did in my days of drinking was that I grew weary of waking up feeling like someone had dumped the contents of several ashtrays in my mouth and that small, angry gnomes had set up a mining operation in my skull.
Even then, I didn't claim I'd never drink again, but these days they're few and far between, and I always stop when I feel like I'm gaining superpowers.
On another note, this is my last health and fitness column. As you may have heard, the View is undergoing some changes. Fear not, you haven't seen the last of me. In fact, I've actually joined the paper as a full-time staff member, so you'll be seeing more of me. Now, however, I'll be using my talents as a jackanape and all-round writer of stuff on a greater variety of subjects.
For now, I'll just repeat the point I returned to many times in this column. In general, the secret to good health is to eat less, eat better and exercise more. Also, avoid the tainted clams. Trust me on that one.
F. Andrew Taylor is a View staff writer. Contact him at ataylor@viewnews.com.
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