Disenchantment with marriage is normal and fixable

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My husband is truly a genuine, generous man with a kind heart and more integrity than anyone I have ever met. I trust and respect him above everyone else I know. He is the best father I ever could have hoped for our two children. I feel like I may be falling out of love with him. I have lost pretty much all interest in sex, and my husband complains because he used to have to beat me off of him with a stick. I just do not feel any physical desire to have sex, which is crazy because my husband is very attractive and is in the best shape of his life. Now, most of the time when we make love, I am fantasizing that I am with someone else, sometimes people I know, and sometimes just celebrities. I have been daydreaming and fantasizing about what my life with my children would be like if my husband and I do split up, and I have been fantasizing about one person in particular. These thoughts are consuming me. The strange thing is that I have no real history with this man, and I don't know him very well. We graduated from the same high school. I ran into him about a year ago at a friend's wedding, and I have thought of him a lot since. I'm sure right now I probably sound like a crazy selfish witch, but I am actually just scared of these feelings, because I don't want to hurt my husband, and I'm confused because neither my husband nor myself have been really happy for a while, and I'm not sure what to do next. Am I crazy for having these thoughts? Are they normal? What do they mean for me and my marriage? -- C.S., Las Vegas

No, you are not crazy.

No, you don't sound like a selfish witch. Please put down the baseball bat of self-loathing. Despising yourself isn't useful or necessary. It's a defense, frankly. A way to manage your understandable anxiety.

Yes, these thoughts and fantasies are normal. Meaning, in the course of a marital lifetime, everyone sooner or later has intrusive sexual fantasies and fantasies about an alternative future as divorced and exploring a new relationship.

What does it all mean? Maybe nothing at all. Or maybe something really good.

Often these sorts of fantasies herald a new stage of growth and development in us, which in turn invites a new level of growth for our marriage. I'm saying what this means is not necessarily a destructive thing. Could be a really good thing; though getting to "good" probably will require tolerating discomfort for a while.

But, please hear me, ma'am: The good news is you -- and your husband -- still hold the reins for this powerful, passionate, disturbing, yet beautiful team of horses. It is not a runaway wagon. At least not yet. You get to decide.

Beat you off with a stick? This is a really good sign. It means that you know how to desire your husband, that you once had a powerful connection. If you want your marriage to survive this next stage of growth, the good news is that you won't be building this from nothing.

You admire your husband. This, too, bodes well.

Intrusive fantasies? I know a married couple who each maintain a list of The Five Celebrities I'd Run Off With For a Weekend. The list is rehearsed aloud at regular intervals, and changes to the list are promptly reported to the mate. I'm saying, C.S., that one option for couples is to build a marriage of such trust and joy we can share outrageous fantasies. Play with them. Together. Sharing fantasies is another way to be "naked."

It is utterly, ridiculously, boringly normal to "fall out of love" during certain cycles of personal and marital growth. Uncomfortable, painful, even terrifying -- but normal. In virtually every case, this "falling out of love" is not evidence that you are married to the wrong person. Rather, it is evidence that there is work to do. Within yourself. And in your marriage.

My instinct here? Couples therapy. Tell your husband what you've already told me: that neither of you has been happy for a long time. For now, leave out the specifics about this ol' high school friend.

Invite your husband to join you on the grand -- if gripping -- adventure of building a marriage neither of you has ever seen before.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling Wellness Center in Las Vegas and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). Contact him at skalas@reviewjournal.com.