Feeling better not outcome of forgiving self

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How does a person forgive herself? I've learned over the years to forgive those who have hurt or slighted me, but I have a great deal of difficulty forgiving myself. I'm about to reach my 50th year on this planet and anticipate a partial hysterectomy soon. I've never had children, though I wanted one. However, I was totally self-absorbed. Bottom line: I've had more than one abortion. I regret the choices I've made, though I can't undo them. I've prayed to the good Lord for forgiveness, but can't seem to bestow it on myself. This is really eating me up emotionally. Any insight you can offer would be greatly appreciated. -- T., Las Vegas

There are two questions here, one general and one specific.

The first question: How do we forgive ourselves?

Trouble is, there are no "forgiveness muscles." There's nothing to flex. Whatever forgiveness of self is, it's not an exertion of effort or an act of will. I always have to override the urge to smack people who smile all glib and encouraging and pseudo-spiritual and say, "You need to forgive yourself." It's a little like barging into an AA meeting and saying, "Ya'll just need to stop drinking."

Yeah. Thanks for that tip.

Forgiveness of self is hardly anything we decide, at least in the analytical sense of deciding. It's not an intra-psychic transaction or a technique; it's more an intra-relational transformation. A shift. We can do things to increase the likelihood of that shift, but the shift itself is something Other. Something ... else.

You said it yourself, T., when you noticed that forgiveness is something you "can't seem to bestow on (your)self." Exactly. You don't bestow it. You can't. When it happens, you receive it. It's a gift.

Forgiveness of self has that in common with questions such as, "How do I fall in love with someone?" The answer is always an incredulous "Uh ..."

Forgiveness of self does not mean an end to all feelings of regret, shame or embarrassment. Or at least I hope not. There are a few events -- OK, more than a few events -- in my life about which I always want some access to my regret, shame and embarrassment. Why? Because those uncomfortable feelings, in reasonable proportion, tie me with integrity to the injury I have caused myself and/or others. Those uncomfortable feelings make possible a return to an honorable life, however derelict that life has sometimes been. For example ...

Collectively speaking, I never want to lose my ability to wince inwardly and shake my head when I think about the historical relationship between the U.S. government and American Indians. On a personal scale, I never want to lose my ability to be ashamed of the way I, as a boy, sometimes bullied and scorned my little sister.

I'm saying the goal in forgiveness of self is a return to the freedom to live honorably and well -- not so much "feeling better," though living honorably and well will thankfully make you feel better, too.

The goal is not ameliorating the past, or attempting to escape from the past. Rather, the goal is redemptive living in the present. And part of what redeems is a stark, quiet, uncensored embrace of reality: Choices have consequences. Some of the consequences are rather nasty. Some are permanent. To live honorably, we stand with dignity next to all of the consequences of all of our choices, even the consequences we neither expected nor intended.

When we forgive ourselves, we don't change the past; we change our relationship to our past. When I forgive me, the past no longer has the power to define the whole of myself. I am free.

Will you hang with me, T.? Next month, we'll take a look at some things we can do to invite the shift, the "happening" of forgiveness of self. And we'll look at the specific losses surrounding abortion and what it means for a woman to say goodbye to her womb.

You know better than anyone that it's not just a body part. You are saying goodbye to a holy part of yourself. A goodbye that includes regrets.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling Wellness Center in Las Vegas and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Sundays. Contact him at skalas@reviewjournal.com.